Nobody knows

On HILL 16 for the Dublin v Offaly Leinster semi final. There was a minutes silence for a recently deceased GAA member....
about 40 seconds into the minute silence some wise crack said
"I DONT KNOW WHAT A TRACKER MORTGAGE IS"


Ireland of the Welcomes!

In Roddy Boland's in Rathmines one night I overheard a group of Italian guys (tourists) trying to chat up two Irish girls and not getting very far.

One of the Italian's started waxing lyrical about one of the girls and her "beautiful pale skin" and said: "In my country, you would be a Princess"

To which the Irish girl replied "And in my country, you'd work in a chipper, now f**k off".



Is there a doctor in the house?

In the Omniplex a while back, a particularly boring bit of the movie was on, when a cry came from the dark.

Shadow at the front (shouting): "Anyone! Is there a doctor here? Is there a doctor here?"

(Shock. Confusion.)

Voice from the back: "Here - I'm a doctor"

Voice from the front: "Sh*te film, isn't it?" ...and sat back down

Voice from the back: "Little bastard - if I find ya I'll rattle ya"


Hill 16 banter

Hill 16, Croke Park, Dublin playing Westmeath and Jason Sherlcok becomes embroiled in a fight with the Westmeath corner back right in front of the Hill.
One wag shouts out....

"Go on Jason, hit him with your wok!"





Dublin barmen.............aren't they great!

My brother was in Mulligan’s pub on Poolbeg street having a pint at the bar when a yank came up and said to the barman "Excuse me sir, where is your bathroom?” So the barman gave him directions and off went the yank. A few minutes later the yank returns and says to the barman "Excuse me sir, there's no lock on the door". The barman replied without looking up from the pint of Guinness he was pulling "As long as I've been here, no-one ever tried to rob a shite."

Kerry - Dublin relations

Sitting in the Hogan stand a few years back at a Kerry versus Dublin football match there was these two men, one sitting in front of me and another sitting behind me. One was a Kerryman the other a Dubliner. The match was tight and a fairly heated affair and the two boys were fairly vocal to say the least. Each doing their best to wind up the other. Anyway a Kerry player sent high lobbing ball down the field, a Dublin player was all alone underneath it, hands out stretched it looked like a wasted ball by the Kerry player. Laughing the Dublin Fan shouts "Nice f**king pass ya f**king sheep shagger”. As the ball descended on-top of the Dublin player it fell through his hands, bounced of his knee and flew into the stand. In turn the Kerry supporter stood up in hysterics and blasted out "IF TWAS A BAG OF HEROIN YOU'D CATCH IT WUDNT EW YU JACKEEN BASTARD"



Crowd disturbance at a Leinster game

At a recent Leinster Magners League game in Donnybrook there was an Australian lady who was more interested in fussing over her friend's baby than watching the game. so much so that she seemed to be upsetting the Leinster fan next to her. She left to get chips and when she came back she didn't see the baby immediately in the crowd and said in her strongest Australian "Where's the baby?" to which the Leinster fan replied angrily "the focking Dingo took it, now sit down and watch the game!"


Post it note

I was in the queue in a post office and there was an aul wan ahead of me, she says to the post mistress "Give us the stamps so I can post this parcel" The post mistress weighted the parcel and gave the aul wan the parcel and the stamps. The aul wan looked at the post mistress and said "Will I stick em on meself?" The post mistress says, without any hesitation "No love, stick them on the parcel" I nearly folded.




Time to call the AA

Last Halloween during my lunch break I went down O'Connell street to buy a broom for my daughters witch costume... on the way back to work some smart ass shouted at me "What's wrong love... have

This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little girls!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper,young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

I DON'T F***ING THINK SO!!!!!

Dog Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY:
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hashor some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear,I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now...