There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

1. He called everyone “brother”
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

St. Peter to the Grim Reaper: 'I said Spike *Lee*, you imbecile'!"

"My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."

"I can speak Esperanto like a native."

"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?"

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

"If you kill me, I promise you will never take me alive!"

"Education isn't everything - for a start it isn't an elephant."

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."

"Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen."

"Mr Krempe had huge ears which looked like people looking over his shoulders"

"When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It is of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts."

On receiving a lifetime achievement comedy award at the age of 76, a letter praising him from Prince Charles was read out - and in front of millions of TV viewers, Milligan declared: "Little grovelling bastard... "

On his refusal to swear the oath of allegiance, which deprived him of a British passport (though he did have an Irish one)... when Prince Charles pointed out that even he had to swear the oath and urged him to think again, Milligan replied: "Yes, but it's your mother isn't it? You don't get board and lodging at Buckingham Palace if you don't swear an oath."

On receiving an honorary CBE : "I can't see the sense in it really. It makes me a commander of the British empire. They might as well make me a commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists..."

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

Navy, n. An army entirely surrounded by water

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. And God saw the light and it was good; He saw the quarterly bill and that was not good.

(French Translation) - Apéritif: a set of dentures.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
-- (Puckoon, 1963)

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse

I hope Harry Secombe dies before me because I don't want him singing at my funeral

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't

I went to Naples to see Vesuvius and would you believe it, the bloody fools had let it go out

Once at the airport I leaped onto a conveyor belt just as the luggage was coming through. When the airport police arrived I said to them, 'Just one more round and I promise to get off. I've always wanted to do this, all my life'

I have three A-levels: one in pure mathematics and one in applied mathematics

The British Army Works like this - If you hang a man and he dies, keep hanging him until he gets used to it

I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens

Steve Wright (Radio 2 DJ): You're looking very well, Spike.
Spike: Rubbish, I've been dead for years, and nobody's brave enough to tell me.

OFFSPRING
*A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears
and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20,
even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
* A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale

BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
*
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does

DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
*A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears
and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
* Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.